Divorce is a difficult process for both parents and the child. Few adults experience divorce without strong emotions, and as for children, for the unformed mind, the gap between two important and beloved people is simply catastrophic.
So how can you tell your child about a divorce without making a source of childhood psychological trauma out of it?
Why is it important to talk about divorce?
Divorce is unpleasant and painful. Children experience a full range of negative emotions during the divorce process of their parents. The situation is complicated by a misunderstanding on the part of the child of the reasons for divorce, its importance. Children are worried that they cannot influence the course of development of a break in relations between parents, that their requests will not be heard, and their opinions will not be taken into account. All this can lead to the sad consequences of a divorce for a child. Consider why it is so important to properly tell your child about divorce?
• Constant feeling of fear
Fear of a child during a divorce can be an anxiety about the future, fear during the quarrels of parents. In any case, one should not show the child aggression, screaming, scolding, or even fighting, so as not to instill in the child a lifelong sense of fear.
• Guilt
Children, being between two parents, as between two fires, often feel themselves as the center of the conflict, that is, its cause.
• loss of self esteem
A person gains self-esteem only when he is respected in childhood. Unfortunately, the withdrawal of one parent from the family, the removal of the other because of his own feelings and feelings, the demonstration of violence in the child, is perceived by him as disrespect for his personality, dislike on the part of the parents. Such children, growing up, often do not have a sense of self-esteem and self-esteem.
• Depression
Children usually perceive the divorce of their parents as loss. Unlike ordinary emotional states, this feeling can occur again and again in different circumstances, which, of course, provokes the appearance of depression.
• Pessimism and touchiness
Children see the world differently, so they often perceive divorce as a rejection of them because of dislike. Some are offended, others are angry. Constantly staying in a negative emotional state is fraught with pessimistic outlooks on life, negativism and excessive vulnerability.
• Feeling of loneliness
As a rule, divorce is an individual matter and a child, having a company of friends, may be left alone with his problem, and the constant internal question “Why is my family?” Gives false ideas about “not meeting the norm”. Not wanting to discuss loved ones, children do not share their experiences with their peers, which increases the level of their isolation and inner loneliness.
• Deviant behavior
Children who are not yet in their teens may experience behavioral disturbances. Usually, this is aggressive or defiant behavior towards peers and teachers. In this way, the child wants to make up for the lack of attention due to loss of contact with one of the parents or expresses his protest.
• Distrust of the world
A constant feeling of anxiety, anxiety, fear, betrayal by parents (through the eyes of a child) - all this can form a distrust of the world as a whole.
• Psychological trauma
Psychological studies have shown that the divorce of parents can go into trauma, which in the future will manifest itself in the presence of mental disorders and the repetition of the parental scenario.
How to tell your child about a divorce?
So how can you tell your child about divorce without the above unpleasant consequences? So, we will consider the algorithm of actions necessary for the competent construction of a dialogue with a child. It is necessary:
• Tune in to a conversation
Demonstrating your own experiences is not the best approach to talking about divorce. It is better not to start a conversation with tearful eyes, sighs, a trembling voice and other manifestations of a suppressed emotional state. The best option is calm, a firm and friendly voice, a preoccupied look.
• Report immediately and definitively
We need to talk about divorce when both parties have finally agreed on all points of the divorce process, but the gap has not yet occurred. It is not necessary to inform the child about the already done, personal plans for a divorce or start a conversation in limbo, not knowing whether the divorce will take place at all. Also, at the time of the conversation, you need to clearly know with whom the child will remain, where the second parent will go, how the property will be shared, and how communication will be carried out.
• Rely on the age characteristics of the child
Young children need to be informed about the divorce in a simple and understandable language, without affecting the "adult" reasons. For teenagers, the origin of the problem is more important, so you need to honestly and as impersonal as possible talk about the reasons for the divorce.
• Explain the role of the child in divorce
Every child needs to know that his guilt is not divorced. In a dialogue with children, it is often necessary to focus their attention on neutrality in a divorce situation. It is only important to convey to the child that he is not the cause of the break.
• To be honest
In a conversation with a child on the topic of divorce, you need to look at the situation objectively. Of course, older children will ask about the initiative and the reasons. The sharp questions should be answered honestly.
• Focus on the future
So that the child does not feel fear and anxiety after the conversation, you need to constantly mention the future. For example: "We will move to grandmother for a while, and you will walk in the park every day," "Dad will move, but you will go to the movies every week," "We will live in a new apartment, and you will choose the design of your room yourself." .
• Prepare for a reaction
Children's reaction to the news of divorce often scares parents, because it is so diverse and unpredictable. Someone will start to cry, and the other will feel relief. You need to be prepared for any reaction and try to accept it.
By following these guidelines, you can make it easier for your child to accept divorce news.
How to help your child survive the divorce of parents
After a divorce, children, as a rule, need support and a special attitude towards themselves. At first, after the separation, the child’s social life should be intensified, gradually introducing circles, visiting cultural and leisure facilities.
It is also important to keep the child in contact with the second parent, encouraging meetings and spending time together. You should not give a child gifts and follow his wishes. Instead, it is enough to spend time together, talk "heart to heart", and support in difficult situations.
It is important to keep the child in a neutral position between parents. Do not insult the second parent and allow family friends and relatives to comment on the divorce proceedings.
It is not so easy to present the news of a divorce, because the reaction can be unexpected, and the consequences are fatal. In case of unsuccessful attempt, it is necessary to turn to a child psychologist who will correct the situation and help the child find peace within himself.
